Are you weird or is it just patriarchy?

On reclaiming my place in the world

I always felt whacky….
I remember in high school, I’d say or do silly things and then feel embarrassed. That sense of not quite fitting in, of being too much or too weird, somehow stayed with me into adulthood.

Now, as I work on building my online presence, as a therapist and a teacher, I find myself facing all of that again. When I look at others, they seem so polished, so grounded. So articulate and well put-together. And I think to myself, I’m not like that. I feel like people see me as wild, scattered, and… well, whacky.

I carried this belief for years.

In my previous career, I got great jobs, but I struggled to get promoted, and I blamed my weirdness for it. I put it down to so-called “lack of corporate presence”, that invisible but heavy expectation to project confidence, authority, and influence in a way that often felt inaccessible to me.

As I type this, I feel a little bit sick in my stomach. And that surprises me.
Because underneath it, I notice a quiet current of rage.
Why do we judge smart, capable, hardworking people by how confident they seem?

When I reflect, I start to wonder: Is my perception of myself even true? Or is it just another weapon I hold against myself?

Because here’s the thing: I did get those jobs. Really good ones. At high-level companies. I couldn’t have been that bad. And in hindsight, I can actually say: I did really, really well. Maybe I wasn’t as whacky or chaotic as I thought.

And now, strangely, the pattern has flipped.
These days I find myself censoring the other side of me, my confidence. The other day, I gave a friend some unsolicited advice and then spent hours beating myself up for being “a know-it-all.” Nobody likes that.

So on one hand I feel too whacky for public, but too confident for friends. And I feel rage inside again because I feel like I can never win.

I sit with it, and I feel one more pang of rage. This time I recognise it for what it is:

It’s internalised patriarchy, and I had enough!

The white confident, polished, rational men in navy blue suits dominating over everything that is wild, weird, emotional, untamed, unpolished. Of buttoned-up voices being treated as the standard.

I recognise that this is exactly why I can never be good enough. Because I don’t fit the schemas of how successful people are defined in our world.

And that lights a different kind of fire in me.

Maybe… maybe there’s a different way.
What if I stopped editing myself to fit into what others expect? What if I accept myself with my imperfections? What if I stopped censoring myself and beating myself up?

Because the truth is, I love weird people. I find them interesting. Wise, even.
So couldn’t an online teacher be a little bit whacky too? Maybe that’s what makes them relatable. We already have enough polished gurus, coaches, influencers and podcasts bros. The world is full of smooth, branded voices. But what about the real ones?

I want to create something different. Something more real. Something raw and accepting. A space where we don’t judge people by how polished or confident they seem, but by the truth and resonance of what they have to say.

I din’t know where this post would take me. I wanted a space to reflect. But I like where it went. Maybe it’s a little whacky but that where I’m at.

What’s most important, I sat with what was alive in me. Not just the old voice of self-critic but a deeper truth of: I have my rightful place in this world.

And so do you!

Thanks for being here.
Sending hugs,
Aleksandra x